Lashing Out

Tonight, I want to talk about something unpleasant. It’s been one of those days. Actually, who am I kidding – it’s been one of those weeks…

I found myself sitting at my desk at 10:10 PM, thoughts scattered everywhere. But one thing kept ringing in my head: how do I treat the people I care about when I’m not feeling good?

There’s a pattern I’ve noticed. When I’m fuming inside about something that isn’t even connected to my close people, I somehow end up aiming my frustration at them. Brutally, sometimes. My words come out sharp, piercing, and harsh.

If I’m honest, some of what I say in these moments is true. But a lot of it is just my own insecurity screaming to escape. Pointless conclusions shaped by my Shadow Inner Child.

Just today, I had one of those conversations with a close friend—someone who’s shared the past four years of her life with me, along with a bed and the last piece of toast in the pantry. I adore her for her kind soul and admire her for her support, which just flows from her, never expecting anything in return. She’s cared for me, looked out for me when I was sick, been there through it all.

But at this point, it doesn’t even matter what I said. It’s the why that matters. Why do I lash out at the people closest to me when I’m the one hurting?

Here’s what I’ve figured out (so far):

Most of my unpleasantness comes from dissatisfaction with the outside world. The never-ending “what I get vs. what I deserve” battle. On top of that, I hate feeling vulnerable, weak, or troubled—it feels too soft, too exposed.

I can’t confront the real problem at work or in the world because, let’s face it, that might get me fired (or something equally catastrophic). So I bottle everything up until I get somewhere safe with people I trust. And then—boom—I unload. Because it’s easier. Because they’re an “easy target.” I can just break down or rage without fear of being abandoned… or so I tell myself.

But the anger? It’s just a toxic cocktail of stress, anxiety, sadness, and shame that builds up until the tiniest spark makes it all explode.

If I’m being really honest, most of these issues connect to unresolved childhood trauma. I actually started doing the inner child work back in 2023. Progress report? Well, I’ve forgiven my parents (lol). Understand them better now. Truth is, I don’t feel that need to prove myself to anyone anymore. I just try to do what feels right for me.

So why do those innocent, stupid questions from my closest people set me off? Why do I end up aiming at the wrong target? What’s the price if I don’t change? The real issue never gets solved, the cycle repeats, and I get to swim in guilt and shame all over again. Meanwhile, our relationships take the hit—how many resets are allowed before even the kindest people have finally had enough?

Honestly, I need to revisit this when I find some practical tips on breaking the cycle. For now, I just know I get carried away. And, for a few minutes in the volcano of emotion, I can’t feel anything except this weird, familiar sense of being “big”—of being in control, superior, powerful.

Ego? Maybe. But isn’t it always?

Just some human thoughts, late tonight.

Best,

Aneta